Giggles!

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The Australian Taxation Office (ATO) decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their  office. The auditor was not  surprised when Grandad showed up with his  lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well,  sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not  sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I  can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a  demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a  moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead..' Grandad says, 'I'll bet  you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye.' The auditor thinks a  moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass  eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll  bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other  eye.' Now the auditor can tell  Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet Grandad removes his  dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now  realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or  nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way  this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandad stands beside the  desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he  can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he  pretty much urinates all over the auditor's  desk. The auditor leaps with  joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's own lawyer  moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the  auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the  lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come  in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't  Mess with Old People!

Some funnies for the day

Become MORE successful. Daily motivation, videos, audios, ebooks and more. Become all you were born to be. Enjoy a FREE two weeks of motivation here: http://www.12path.com/Inspire/Me/   BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

Brilliant Explanation

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'   THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED!!!!!!

A Cup of Tea

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...    One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.  Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Holy Prostitutes

'Holy Prostitutes' A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.... It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCI HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the high way and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'  He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.   SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER ……