Where Are My Glasses

   Yesterday,  my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my  time.

  Talking  about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic  of conversation.

   

   She  was "only thinking of me," and suggested I go down to the senior  centre and hang out with the guys.

   

   I  did this, and when I got home last night  I decided to teach  her a lesson about staying out of my business. 

  I  told her that I had joined a parachute club.

   

   She  said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old, and you're  going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

  I  proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

   

   She  said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a  membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

   

   "I'm  in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for  five jumps a week," I told her.  She fainted.

   

    

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun !

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland , Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

Just For Laughs

 Just To Make You Laugh!

Believe it or not...Men are Everywhere! 
Woman has Man in it; 
Mrs. has Mr. in it; 
Female has Male in it; 
She has He in it; 
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now..... 
I never looked at it this way before:  

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
mental illness 
MENstrual cramps 
MENtal breakdown 
MENopause
GUYnecologist 
AND .. 
When we have REAL trouble, it's a  HISterectomy. 

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to men to remind them that they will always be part of our lives.......   

Men are like......

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.  Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.  Men are like....  1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.  2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.  3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.  4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.  5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.  6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.  7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!  8. Men are like ... Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.  9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.  10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.  11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.  12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.  13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

Ass Study

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY: 


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting. 


30% of women think their ass is too fat, 


10% of women think their ass is too skinny, 


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world...

Blonde Payment Plan

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo?

It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!! 

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping With Them

          *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Woolworths. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally          unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Woolworths.

          Dear Mrs. Jacobs,

          Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
          commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
          have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
          complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed
          below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

          **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
          them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

          **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
          go off at 5-minute intervals.

          **3. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in
          an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
          away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
          station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in
          turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
          lose time and costing the company money..

          4. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
          box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.

          5. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
          carpeted area.

          6. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and
          told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
          bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
          which twenty children obliged.

          7. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him
          he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
          leave me alone?' Paramedics were called..

          **8. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and
          used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

          **9. September 10:**While handling knifes in the kitchen
          department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

          **10. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while
          loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

          **11. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his
          'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

          **12. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people
          browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

          **13. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud
          speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
          IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*

          *
          *And last, but not least:*

          **14. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
          waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
          toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
         

 

Some Silly Funnies For the Day

Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife is a 'Mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest of the 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In picking lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
"I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife's Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : "Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: "MISSING YOU"..

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And
I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied,
"Take The poison".

Pregnancy Jokes

Thinking of falling pregnant - THINK AGAIN!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Is It You or the Wine Talking?

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."..

Making a Woman Happy

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY  It's not difficult to make a woman happy.  A man only needs to be:  1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber  11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist  15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer  22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic  26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant  36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous  40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate  WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:  45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls  AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:  51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes  IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:  54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes  HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked     2. Bring alcohol

Just for the Ladies

        

  

    
   Breakfast

  1  grapefruit

  1  slice whole wheat toast

  1  cup skim milk

  



  Lunch

  1  small portion lean, steamed chicken


  1  cup spinach
  1  cup herbal tea
  1  Hershey's kiss
  

  Afternoon  Tea
  The  rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
  1  tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate  chips
  

  Dinner
  4  glasses of wine (red or white)
  2  loaves garlic  bread
  1  family size supreme pizza
  3  Snickers Bars
  

  Late  Night Snack
  1  whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the  freezer)
  

  Remember:    Stressed  spelled backward is desserts.
  

  If  you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds  immediately.
  That's  why I had to pass this on; I didn't want to risk  it.
  

  

  

  

Nine Words that Women Use

Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Find a Laugh - 'Women are Evil'

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. 

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his

 face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me?  I need to speak to him," she said

 running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.."Is there

 anything I can do?"

"Yes, I need you to give him a message,"  she continued,

running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping

 a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap,

 or paper towels in the ladies room."

Spanish Lesson - Classic Find a Laugh

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Send this to all the smart women you know...and all the men that have a sense of humor.

Find a Laugh - Survivor for the Ladies

Do not read this one if you are a man - unless a very liberal one, this laugh might offend you!

THE

NEXT SURVIVOR

SERIES

Six married men

will be dropped on an island

with one car

and 3 kids each

for six weeks.

Each kid will play two sports

and take either music or dance classes.

There is no fast food.

Each man must

take care of his 3 kids;

keep his assigned house clean,

correct all homework,

complete science projects,

cook,

do laundry,

and pay a list of 'pretend' bills

with not enough money.

In addition,

each man

will have to budget enough money

for groceries each week.

Each man

must remember the birthdays

of all their friends and relatives,

and send cards out on time - no emailing.

Each man must also take each child

to a doctor's appointment,

a dentist appointment

and a haircut appointment.

He must make one unscheduled and

inconvenient visit per child to the Emergency Room.

He must also make cookies or cupcakes

for a school function.

Each man will be responsible for

decorating his own assigned house,

planting flowers outside, and keeping it

presentable at all times.

The men will only have access to television

when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.

The men must shave their legs,
wear makeup daily,

adorn

themselves with jewellery,

wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes,

keep fingernails polished,

and eyebrows groomed

During one of the six weeks,

the men will have to endure severe

abdominal cramps, backaches, headaches,

have extreme, unexplained mood swings

but never once complain or slow down

from other duties.

They must attend weekly school meetings

and church,

and find time at least once to spend

the afternoon at the park or a similar

setting.

They will need to read a book to the kids each night

and in the morning,

feed them,

dress ,

brush their teeth and

comb their hair

by 7:30 am.

A test will be given

at the end of the six weeks,

and each father will be required to know

all of the following information:

each child's

birthday,

height, weight,

shoe size, clothes size,

doctor's name,

the child's weight at birth,

length, time of birth,

and length of labor,

each child's favorite color,

middle name,

favorite snack,

favorite song,

favorite drink,

favorite toy,

biggest fear,

and what they want to be when they grow up.

The kids vote them off the island based on performance.

The last man wins only if...

he still

has enough energy

to be intimate with his spouse

at a moment's notice.

If the last man does win,

he can play the game over and over and over

again for the next 18-25 years,

eventually earning the right

to be called Mother!

After you get done laughing,

share this with as many females as

you think will get a kick out of it and

as many men as you think can handle it.

Just don't send it back to me....

I'm going to bed.

Good Night!