Talking Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day  and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment...... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a  solution to your problem.   I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to  pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying...  That phrase...  In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots  to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside  their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her  parrots in with them... After a few minutes, The female parrots cried  out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other  male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

ID001

Four Worms and A Lesson To Be Learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead. 




Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead. 


Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive . 
So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,  'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 
That pretty much ended the service! 

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

In My Next Life

Einstein on Find a Laugh - This is one clever parrot!

How to Handle a Stressful Situation

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

Pee on it and walk away!

Find a Laugh with An African Story

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog started chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.  Wondering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now!" (He was an Irish Setter).  Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard, I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "that was close.  that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  Off he goes, but the dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to the coniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "what am I going to do now?"

Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.  When they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where is that monkey.  I just never can trust him.  I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he is still not back!"

Find a Laugh with a Jack Daniels Fishing Story from a friend.........

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.  Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.


Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.


Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  His eyes rolled back, he went limp.  I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.


A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.  There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.  

Life is good in the South!

Find a Laugh with your Dog!