Feeding The Canibals

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals.  

"You are  all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the  welcoming
briefing.  "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to  the  cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other  employees".

The cannibals promised they would  not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very  hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls  has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to  her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating  "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to  the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A  hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You  fool!!!!!  For four weeks we've been eating Managers  and Supervisors  and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

If You Hate Your Job - Do This!

 When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]  
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE

A--E THAN YOURS!
..Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....
Then you are just an old sour f--t;

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

How To Get Sick Leave

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

Food for Thought

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test for the section floors and sweeping.

After the test the manager says, "You will be appointed for $30 per day.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report to for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned the man leaves, not knowing where to turn and only having about 10$ left, he decides tobuy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket.


Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
It then dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.  Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck.

By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks and insurace plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail addres in order for him to forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.  "What, and how have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, E-Mail and E-Commerce?  Just imagine where you would have been by now if your had been conneected from the very start."

After a moment's silence, the tomatoe millionaire replied:  "Sure I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of the Story:

1.  The internet, e-mail and e-comerce do not need to rule your life.

2.  Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.

3.  If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

4.  Seeing that you got this story via e-mail or your computer, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

5.  If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.