Yup, some people can’t handle the truth!

 

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." 
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. 
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. 
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where I am now

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland , Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

Children In Church

KIDS IN CHURCH 
3-year-old Reese : 
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 
Harold is His name. 
Amen.' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A little boy was overheard praying: 
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. 
I'm having a real good time like I am.' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


After the christening of his baby brother in church, 
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. 
Finally, the boy replied, 
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys.' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


One particular four-year-old prayed, 
'And forgive us our trash baskets 
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they 
were on the way to church service, 
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' 
One bright little girl replied, 
'Because people are sleeping.' 


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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
' Ryan , you be Jesus !' 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A father was at the beach with his children 
when the four-year-old son ran up to him, 
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore 
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. 
The boy thought a moment and then said, 
'Did God throw him back down?' 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


A wife invited some people to dinner. 
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 
'Would you like to say the blessing?' 
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. 
The daughter bowed her head and said, 
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' 
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And if you don't share this with at least 8 people ----- who cares! 
Peace, love and happiness 

Mind Your Words At Home

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. 

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. 

"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Find a Laugh With Family Planning

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school .
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!”

Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are in a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

The Moral of the Story is.....

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

Four Worms and A Lesson To Be Learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead. 




Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead. 


Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive . 
So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,  'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 
That pretty much ended the service! 

A Cup of Tea

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...    One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.  Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone
else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to
the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then
he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other
children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me
not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am...???

A Childs View Of A Thunder Storm

A Child's View of Thunderstorms


A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.  She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

More lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

 

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts,  he gets down on his knees so that he's  on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or  maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"   

She,  in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice

 

   

"I  don't think my python weally gives a thit."

   
 

 

How to sell toothbrushes ...

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

   The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.

      Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

      Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

      "Very good," said the teacher.

      Little Jenny was next:

      "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

      "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

      Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

      The teacher held her breath ...

      Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

      "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

      "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

      "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

      "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

           They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog sh1t!"

      Then I would say, "It is dog sh1t.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

      "I used the governmental approach of giving you something sh1tty for free, and then making you pay to get the sh1tty taste out of your mouth."

I let my son see my payslip . . .

This is what my son thought of my payslip.