Find a Laugh In A Marraige

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight.  While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For R100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. 

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season rugby tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

'Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Beer and Fishing

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

Why It's Bad To Flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband..

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had

passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.. When I

got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad and 
apparently he had the time of his life.

Charlie and His Bride

Charlie 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.    
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Charlie should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. 
 
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door  opens and  there is Charlie, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Charlie takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.  
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,  and it's Charlie,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,  Jenny consents  for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Charlie kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. 
 
She is  set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Charlie is  back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for  more 'action'.  And, once more they enjoy each other. 
 
But as Charlie gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I  am thoroughly  impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.  You are truly a great lover, Charlie.' 
 
Charlie,  somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
 
The moral  of the story:  
Don't  be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.  
P.S.  Have I told this to you already?

Our Burdens

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,

"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens...  

Some Silly Funnies For the Day

Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife is a 'Mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest of the 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In picking lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
"I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife's Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : "Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: "MISSING YOU"..

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And
I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied,
"Take The poison".

Brilliant Explanation

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'   THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED!!!!!!

Dead men Tell no Tales

40 years of marriage.. A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female..... SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

 

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The Shoe Box - Find a Laugh with this Precious Joke

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.

They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little

old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had

cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but

one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said

She would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took

down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was

in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls

and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'

she said, 'my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage

was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,

I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.

Only two precious dolls were in the box.

She had only been angry with him two

times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money?

Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

The Sharing of Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.. 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered(Continue below - This is great) 
'THE TEETH.'

Find a Laugh - Getting Married

A young man excitedly tells his mothr he's fallen in love and is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over three women and you must try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The mother agrees, and the next day he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.  He then says, "Okay, guess which one I'm going to marry."  She immeadiately replies, "the one in the middle."

"That's amazing, Mum, you're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her!"