A Sense of Security for South Africans

I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, a "I Love the AWB"sticker on my car, and my sound system is playing "De La Ray" at full volume. 

The local police, the Dept of Home Affairs, and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer!

 

Malema's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the 
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a 
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," 
said the man, "who's clock is that?" 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?" 

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told two lies in his entire life." The man asked, "Where's Julius Malema's clock?" 

"It's in the Main office, they are using it as a FAN !!

South African Law - It's A Joke!

Two recent court cases have earned the attention of newspaper readers in South Africa : 1. One person was fined R1 000 for not having a TV licence. 2. Another was released on bail for R500 after being arrested for murder. The moral of this South African story: If you do not have a TV licence and the inspector comes round, kill him. You'll save R500. ... It's the Right Thing To Do ....

 

Laugh In South Africa

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw... so ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho I did already spent that money.."

Eish, so ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So Bongani brought the
dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
"You won't believe it, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, I sold
251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."
"Yoh! and the people, didn't they complain?"
"Eish! only the guy which won! so, I gave him back his R5 and he was
happy!

Visitor to South Africa These are SA 'joke' rules of the road on Find a Laugh

Since we are in the midst of the world cup... we should give tourists tips about traveling on our roads.... RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA 1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them. 2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended. 5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake. 7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....' 8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged. 10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes. 11. It is traditional to blow your hooter at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car. 12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour. Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!

World Cup Tourists to South Africa - Rules for Driving in South Africa on Find a Laugh!

Since we are nearing the world cup... we should give tourists tips about travelling on our roads....

 RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA 

1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
11. It is traditional to blow your hooter at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!