A Cup of Tea

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...    One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me. I was about 2 and a half years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home. My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mum waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.  Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"

Holy Prostitutes

'Holy Prostitutes' A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.... It reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCI HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.... Soon he sees another sign which reads: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS He climbs the steps and rings the! bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?' He answers, 'I saw your signs along the high way and was interested in possibly doing business....' 'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door..' He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'  He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign: GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.   SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER ……

Dead men Tell no Tales

40 years of marriage.. A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.' The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female..... SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!

 

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One day in a Retirement Home

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, And loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.  One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor, when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel,

Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'  Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Buck naked, and holding His You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'

My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone
else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to
the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then
he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other
children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me
not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am...???

Wine is good!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!

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