Children In Church

KIDS IN CHURCH 
3-year-old Reese : 
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 
Harold is His name. 
Amen.' 
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A little boy was overheard praying: 
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. 
I'm having a real good time like I am.' 


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After the christening of his baby brother in church, 
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 
His father asked him three times what was wrong. 
Finally, the boy replied, 
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 
and I wanted to stay with you guys.' 


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One particular four-year-old prayed, 
'And forgive us our trash baskets 
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.' 


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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they 
were on the way to church service, 
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?' 
One bright little girl replied, 
'Because people are sleeping.' 


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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. 
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' 
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 
' Ryan , you be Jesus !' 


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A father was at the beach with his children 
when the four-year-old son ran up to him, 
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore 
where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. 
The boy thought a moment and then said, 
'Did God throw him back down?' 
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A wife invited some people to dinner. 
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 
'Would you like to say the blessing?' 
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered. 
The daughter bowed her head and said, 
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?' 
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And if you don't share this with at least 8 people ----- who cares! 
Peace, love and happiness 

Just For Laughs

 Just To Make You Laugh!

Believe it or not...Men are Everywhere! 
Woman has Man in it; 
Mrs. has Mr. in it; 
Female has Male in it; 
She has He in it; 
Madam has Adam in it;

Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now..... 
I never looked at it this way before:  

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
mental illness 
MENstrual cramps 
MENtal breakdown 
MENopause
GUYnecologist 
AND .. 
When we have REAL trouble, it's a  HISterectomy. 

Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.

Send this to men to remind them that they will always be part of our lives.......   

Feeding The Canibals

A big mining company recently hired several cannibals.  

"You are  all part of our team now", said the HR manager during the  welcoming
briefing.  "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to  the  cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other  employees".

The cannibals promised they would  not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very  hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Admin girls  has disappeared.  Do any of you know what happened to  her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads indicating  "no".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to  the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Admin chick?"

A  hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You  fool!!!!!  For four weeks we've been eating Managers  and Supervisors  and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually works!!!!"

Mind Your Words At Home

A friend hosted a dinner party for family far and wide and everyone was encouraged to bring all their children as well. All during the sit-down dinner one four-year-old girl stared at the uncle sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. 

The uncle checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. 

"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response.

"I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

Find a Laugh With Family Planning

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school .
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!”

Find A Laugh With These Pensioners

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses...
She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her head,says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful," & knocked on wood for luck.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

An elderly Lady called 000 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
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I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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SUPER SEX

 A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Super sex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Super sex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE

  An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

 

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"    

Find a Laugh In A Marraige

A man returns home a day early from a business trip.

It's after midnight.  While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.  For R100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. 

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your season rugby tickets.

HE paid for our house at the lake.

HE paid for your African tour and 4x4.

HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

'Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Why Men Don't Get Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the  time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own  jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is  $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough..
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes..
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.
 

Men Are Just Happier People NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

 EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

 MONEY
      A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
        A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

 BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

 ARGUMENTS
        A woman has the last word in any argument.
        Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

 FUTURE
        A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
        A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


 MARRIAGE
        A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
        A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

 DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
          A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

 NATURAL
     Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
        Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

 OFFSPRING
Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! 

 

Aunt Maggie Joke

Ageing Aunt MAGGIE was a 78-year-old woman who was  particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself  and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get  it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and  made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was  badly broken in the first  place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to  someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just  exactly where the heart would be on a woman.
The doctor said, 'Your heart would be  just below your left breast'.  Later that night........ MAGGIE was admitted to the hospital  with a gunshot wound to her knee.  

Men are like......

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free.  Here's an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.  Men are like....  1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.  2 Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.  3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.  4. Men are like Blenders You need one, but you're not quite sure why.  5. Men are like Chocolate Bars .. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.  6. Men are like Commercials . You can't believe a word they say.  7. Men are like Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off!  8. Men are like ... Government Bonds.... They take soooooooo long to mature.  9. Men are like .... Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.  10. Men are like Popcorn . They satisfy you, but only for a little while.  11. Men are like Snowstorms . You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.  12! . Men are like Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright.  13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped. Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

Granny's Boyfriends

MY NEW BOYFRIENDS !!!
 

I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!. 

As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed.
Then I go to see John. 

Then Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. 
He doesn't like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired & very glad to go to bed with Earl Grey. 

What a life! 
Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with Al Zymer; 
or whatever his name is. I forget ! 

and I'm thinking of calling JACK DANIELS, Captain Morgan or JOHNNY WALKER to come over and keep me company. 

Now remember: 
Life is like a roll of toilet paper.....the closer it gets to the end, 
the faster it goes. 
So have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, 
learn to laugh at yourself, and 'count your blessings!!!