Our Burdens

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,

"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens...  

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies

     
     

           
   

  POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF !
 
 
 
  A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with  God?"
 
   Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes  off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,  poof! the light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

  "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Blonde Payment Plan

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo?

It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!! 

What Does Your Son Do?

 Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, Reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of  the barrel.        

  

 
 He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.
 

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
 

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...


 He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
   
 


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...what about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
 
  
 The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Why Men Wear Ear Rings

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'  

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping With Them

          *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Woolworths. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally          unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Woolworths.

          Dear Mrs. Jacobs,

          Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
          commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
          have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
          complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed
          below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

          **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
          them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

          **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
          go off at 5-minute intervals.

          **3. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in
          an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
          away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
          station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in
          turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
          lose time and costing the company money..

          4. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
          box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.

          5. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
          carpeted area.

          6. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and
          told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
          bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
          which twenty children obliged.

          7. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him
          he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
          leave me alone?' Paramedics were called..

          **8. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and
          used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

          **9. September 10:**While handling knifes in the kitchen
          department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

          **10. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while
          loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

          **11. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his
          'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

          **12. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people
          browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

          **13. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud
          speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
          IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*

          *
          *And last, but not least:*

          **14. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
          waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
          toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.