Laugh In South Africa

"Hey Sipho! I have a cow for you for just R500!"
"E yoh, Bongani! I'll take it - you can bring it to me tomorrow!"
The next day: "Sorry Sipho, but the cow died last night."
"Hauw... so ok then. Just give me my money back."
"Sorry Sipho I did already spent that money.."

Eish, so ok then. Just bring me the dead cow." So Bongani brought the
dead cow to Sipho the next morning.
A few weeks later Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he did with the dead cow:
"You won't believe it, Bongani! I made a raffle for the cow, I sold
251 tickets for R5 each! I made a profit of R750! But I didn't tell anyone the cow was dead."
"Yoh! and the people, didn't they complain?"
"Eish! only the guy which won! so, I gave him back his R5 and he was
happy!

Is It You or the Wine Talking?

A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says,
"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?"

She replies, "It's me... talking to the wine."..

Giggles!

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

The Australian Taxation Office (ATO) decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their  office. The auditor was not  surprised when Grandad showed up with his  lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well,  sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not  sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I  can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a  demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a  moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead..' Grandad says, 'I'll bet  you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own  eye.' The auditor thinks a  moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass  eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll  bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other  eye.' Now the auditor can tell  Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet Grandad removes his  dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now  realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or  nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way  this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandad stands beside the  desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he  can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he  pretty much urinates all over the auditor's  desk. The auditor leaps with  joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandad's own lawyer  moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the  auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the  lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come  in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' Don't  Mess with Old People!

Some funnies for the day

Become MORE successful. Daily motivation, videos, audios, ebooks and more. Become all you were born to be. Enjoy a FREE two weeks of motivation here: http://www.12path.com/Inspire/Me/   BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls! Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why? My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband! And the winner is.......... Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.

Brilliant Explanation

DAMN FINE EXPLANATION The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!' And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'   THAT'S HOW IT HAPPENED!!!!!!