Doctor Is It Serious?

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs.Sanders, Please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's (loss of memory) and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but the medical will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

The folks at the medical aid recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Noah's Ark

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
 
 Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
 
He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
 
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.
 
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
 
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.

Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
 
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
 
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
 
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
 
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
 
Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
 
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
 
The Department of Interior Affairs has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group. COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
 
To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
 
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
 
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
 
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
 
"No," said the Lord. "The SA Government has beaten me to it."

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said  'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,  'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.  Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since.  Happened in Ipswich , Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3 :
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council Parks & Wildlife office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason:  'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.


IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Bankstown , Sydney 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'   His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'   

Holden Dealer Brisbane .

Remember,
They walk amongst us...

Definitions From Class Tests

DEFEAT - is da  tings da go in da tekkies

DIVORCE - is da  ting u eat with da pap.

DESTROY - is da  ting da cows eat

DELIVER - is next to da kidney.

DESIGN - is da  ting to show u da way.

DISSOLVE - is da answer to da problem.

DETEST - is da  ting I'm writing now.... Eish!!!

The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Scrabble Like You Have Never Seen It

This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!  
DORMITORY:  
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

 

PRESBYTERIAN:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: 

When you rearrange the letters:  
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:  ! 
When you rearrange the letters:  
THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
HE BUGS GORE

 

 

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:   
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:  
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE