Ass Study

WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY: 


There is a new study about women and how they feel about their asses, the results were pretty interesting. 


30% of women think their ass is too fat, 


10% of women think their ass is too skinny, 


The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and wouldn't trade him for the world...

An Italian Boys Confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl"

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father.  I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest signs in frustration.
"You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are in a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Confucius Says.....

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:  Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determines
who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

Now share this with one or more people.
Nothing will happen but one or more people laughing.

OLD is when.....

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with  two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,  'I'm on this cruise to celebrate  my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,  'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender,  I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,  'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want  another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,  'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age,  you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs  and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your friends compliment you  on your new alligator shoes  and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  A sexy babe catches your fancy  and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Going braless  pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You don't care where your spouse goes,  just as long as you don't have to go along too. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN.....  'Getting a little action'  means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  'Getting lucky' means you find your car  in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  An 'all nighter' means not getting up   to use the bathroom. AND  'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are not sure these are jokes?

Beer and Fishing

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!