My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried
chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone
else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken
is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher
was probably a member of PETA.  He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to
the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then
he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other
children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me
not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest,
but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the hell I am...???

Wine is good!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria." In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in faeces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process Of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, Than to drink water and be full of shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service!

---

Doctor Is It Serious?

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs.Sanders, Please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.  When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well.  We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.  Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's (loss of memory) and the other one tested positive for HIV.  We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we can, but the medical will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

The folks at the medical aid recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town - if he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Noah's Ark

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
 
 Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
 
He gave Noah the plans, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
 
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah sweeping in his yard - but no Ark.
 
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
 
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Metro Council for a decision.

Then ESKOM demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
 
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees because the Nature Conservation authorities say it will upset the balance of the local ecological system.
 
I tried to convince them that I needed the wood to save us all from extinction - but no go!
 
When I started gathering the animals, the SPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
 
The traffic authorities said it would take six months after completion of the ark to plan a route to the sea. I told them also that the sea would be coming to my back yard. They threatened to have me committed.
 
Then the Department for Environment ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I had arranged and conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
 
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the BEE group on how many affirmative action persons I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
 
The Department of Interior Affairs has insisted that I provide them with a list of the people who want to work so that they can check that they are not from the non designated group. COSATU say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
 
To make matters worse, SARS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
 
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark. "
 
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
 
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
 
"No," said the Lord. "The SA Government has beaten me to it."

Idiot Sightings

IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.'
I said,'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said  'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'
The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said,  'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not.  Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used that repairman since.  Happened in Ipswich , Qld.

IDIOT SIGHTING 3 :
I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbour call the local council Parks & Wildlife office to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason:  'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here!  I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing any more.'
Story from Collingwood, Melbourne.


IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From Bankstown , Sydney 
 
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
This happened in Elizabeth S.A.

IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee in Adelaide P.O.

IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!'   His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'   

Holden Dealer Brisbane .

Remember,
They walk amongst us...

Definitions From Class Tests

DEFEAT - is da  tings da go in da tekkies

DIVORCE - is da  ting u eat with da pap.

DESTROY - is da  ting da cows eat

DELIVER - is next to da kidney.

DESIGN - is da  ting to show u da way.

DISSOLVE - is da answer to da problem.

DETEST - is da  ting I'm writing now.... Eish!!!