The Dead Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the
vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

Scrabble Like You Have Never Seen It

This is one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!  
DORMITORY:  
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

 

PRESBYTERIAN:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: 

When you rearrange the letters:  
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:  ! 
When you rearrange the letters:  
THEY SEE

 

GEORGE BUSH:  
When you rearrange the letters:  
HE BUGS GORE

 

 

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:   
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

 

ANIMOSITY:  
When you rearrange the letters: 
IS NO AMITY

 

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:  
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

 

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

 

If You Hate Your Job - Do This!

 When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'
[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]  
Try this out:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy
and go to the thermometer section and
purchase a rectal thermometer made
by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors,
draw the curtains and disconnect the phone
so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.
You will notice that in small print there is a statement:


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE

A--E THAN YOURS!
..Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart....
Then you are just an old sour f--t;

Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!

The Naked Nuns

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church..
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided
to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later,
someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

 

 

15 ways for men to keep busy when their women drag them to the mall.

Hilarious!!!

 

 

*WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING*            *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on            her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found            shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally            unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to            browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter            from the local Target.            Dear Mrs. Samuel,            Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a            commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and            have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our            complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed            below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.            **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put            them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.            **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to            go off at 5-minute intervals.            **3. **July 7**:**He made a trail of tomato juice on the            floor leading to the women's restroom..            **4. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in            an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right            away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned            station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in            turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to            lose time and costing the company money.            5. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a            bag of M&Ms on layaway.            6. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a            carpeted area.            7. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and            told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would            bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to            which twenty children obliged.            8. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him            he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just            leave me alone?' EMTs were called.            **9. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and            used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.            **10. September 10:**While handling guns in the hunting            department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.            **11. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while            loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.            **12. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his            'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.            **13. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people            browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'            **14. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud            speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!            IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*            *            *And last, but not least:*            **15. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,            waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no            toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.*

 

Do You Have Problems with Alcohol

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell Happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over And over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your Ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
Gode.

Pass this to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger.