How To Get Sick Leave

Sick leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (Sipho) asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked 'What are you doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (Sipho) followed me, the Boss asked him '...And where do you think you're going?'

(You're gonna love this.....)

He said, 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark.

Making a Woman Happy

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY  It's not difficult to make a woman happy.  A man only needs to be:  1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a father 6. a master 7. a chef 8. an electrician 9. a carpenter 10. a plumber  11. a mechanic 12. a decorator 13. a stylist 14. a sexologist  15. a gynecologist 16. a psychologist 17. a pest exterminator 18. a psychiatrist 19. a healer 20. a good listener 21. an organizer  22. a good father 23. very clean 24. sympathetic 25. athletic  26. warm 27. attentive 28. gallant 29. intelligent 30. funny 31. creative 32. tender 33. strong 34. understanding 35. tolerant  36. prudent 37. ambitious 38. capable 39. courageous  40. determined 41. true 42. dependable 43. passionate 44. compassionate  WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:  45. give her compliments regularly 46. love shopping 47. be honest 48. be very rich 49. not stress her out 50. not look at other girls  AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:  51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes  IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:  54. Never to forget: * birthdays * anniversaries * arrangements she makes  HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY 1. Show up naked     2. Bring alcohol

Tough Old Cowboy

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY FROM SOUTH TEXAS COUNSELED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103 WHEN HE DIED.

 HE LEFT BEHIND 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, 25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN, AND A 15-FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

Doctor Dave

 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering.....
 
Dave..........

Dave .............

Dave........

Dave........
 
   
Dave……..
 
  

............you're a vet.

Finance For Non-Financial Managers - Global Financial Systems

 A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You make biltong...

 AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
 * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You go on strike because you want three cows.
 * They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone
else's cows and shoot their owner.

 A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
 * A farmer has two cows.
 * You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
community to supply more.

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
 * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them World-Wide.

 A GERMAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

 A BRITISH CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * Both are mad.

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You pray to them for food.

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
 * You break for lunch.

 A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You count them and learn you have five cows.
 * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
 * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 A SWISS CORPORATION
 * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
 * You charge others for storing them.

 A CHINESE CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You have 300 people milking them.
 * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

 AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * The one on the left is kinda cute...

Definition of Calories

Calories are the little suckers that get into your wardrobe  at night and sew your clothes tighter.                MY CLOSET IS INFESTED WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!

 

 

A Childs View Of A Thunder Storm

A Child's View of Thunderstorms


A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.  She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

More lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!

Mental Age Assesment

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1.    This is this cat.
2.    This is is cat.
3.    This is how cat.
4.    This is to cat.
5..   This is keep cat.
6.    This is an cat.
7.    This is old cat.
8.    This is fart cat.
9.    This is busy cat.
10.  This is for cat.
11.  This is forty cat.
12.  This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

I betcha you cannot resist passing this on to any other friends.

The Worst First Date Award

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!!  We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake. Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.  The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize! She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .  It was a day trip (no overnight).  They were strangers, after all, and had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon. They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!  Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car. They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.  In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.  All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation. Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!  Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. '  And you thought your first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.' Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show. If you laughed at this, pass it on.  If you didn't laugh, you need a better sense of humor.

Death Row

  There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row.

      The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
      1. to be shot
      2. to be hung
      3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

      So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
      Boom, he was dead instantly.
      The Italian said, "Just hang me."
      Snap! he was dead.

      Then it was SIPHO'S' turn, and he said, "Give me some of that
      AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing.
      The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
      Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards
      did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he
      doubled over.

      Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" Then SIPHO
      replied, “Eish you guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom.!!”

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

 

Old Age!!

You ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely
 I can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!
 My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
 appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his dental diploma, which bore
 his full name.
 Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name
 had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
 Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
 Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
 This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
 have been my classmate.
 After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
 secondary school.
 ”yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
 'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
 He answered, “in 1965”.  Why do you ask?
 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
 He looked at me closely.
 Then the ugly,
 old,

 bald,

 wrinkled,

 fat arsed,

 grey haired,

 decrepit,

 bastard asked..
 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Just for the Ladies

        

  

    
   Breakfast

  1  grapefruit

  1  slice whole wheat toast

  1  cup skim milk

  



  Lunch

  1  small portion lean, steamed chicken


  1  cup spinach
  1  cup herbal tea
  1  Hershey's kiss
  

  Afternoon  Tea
  The  rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
  1  tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate  chips
  

  Dinner
  4  glasses of wine (red or white)
  2  loaves garlic  bread
  1  family size supreme pizza
  3  Snickers Bars
  

  Late  Night Snack
  1  whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the  freezer)
  

  Remember:    Stressed  spelled backward is desserts.
  

  If  you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds  immediately.
  That's  why I had to pass this on; I didn't want to risk  it.
  

  

  

  

Sweet Tea

 A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Widdle Wabbit

A precious little girl walks into a Pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts,  he gets down on his knees so that he's  on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or  maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"   

She,  in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice

 

   

"I  don't think my python weally gives a thit."

   
 

 

Nine Words that Women Use

Fine:  This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes:  If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing:  This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

Go Ahead:  This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

Math Problem

Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.  It also made me Laugh Out Loud.  This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here ' s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But , A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Here are some more resources to get you thinking.

1001 Math Problems (1,001 Math Problems)
5-Minute Math Problem of the Day: 250 Fun, Multi-Step Problems That Sharpen Math Reasoning, Number Sense, and Computation Skills
Math Word Problems DemystifiedMath Olympiad Contest Problems for Elementary and Middle Schools, Vol. 1
Hard Problems: The Road to the World's Toughest Math Contest

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY - TRUE STORY

 ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

 

   

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at
her.   She
immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again..    The man seemed
more amused.  

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she
complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

 

 

The case came up in court.

 

 

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

what he had to say for himself.

 

 

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when
the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition.   She sat down under a sign that said, 'The
Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.  

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to
smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

  But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

.... I just lost it.'

 

 

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

 

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it
on to someone else!!

 

Psychiatry and Proctology

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satify the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and hemorrhoids."  No go.

Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."  Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives."  Still not good enough.

How about "Minds and Behinds?" Unacceptable again.

So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."  Still no go.

Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons."

Almost at their wit's end the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Approved.

A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

A Chinese Story

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen.  One named I cum and one named No cum.


No cum mally pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu.
For velly obvious leason No cum and No cum tu not have any children.


One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu.
That night I cum came and No cum tu came too.  This make both velly happy.


However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum.


Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came, but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came?


Cum again?

Golf Jokes / Caddy's View Point

What the Caddy Said (or wished he had said):

Golfer:  Well I have never played this badly before.
Caddy:  I didn't realize you had played before sir.

Golfer:  Caddy do you think is is a sin to play golf on a Sunday?
Caddy:  The way you play sir, it's a sin any day of the week.

Golfer:  I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy:  Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer:  I've played so badly all day, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake.
Caddy:  I doubt you cold keep your head down that long sir.

Golfer:  That can't be my ball, caddy.  It looks far too old.
Caddy:  It's been a long time since we started sir.

Golfer:  Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's distracting!
Caddy:  This isn't a watch sir, it's a compass.

Golfer:  Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron.
Caddy:  Eventually.

Golfer:  You've go to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy:  I doubt it.  That would be too much of a coincidence!

Food for Thought

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test for the section floors and sweeping.

After the test the manager says, "You will be appointed for $30 per day.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report to for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned the man leaves, not knowing where to turn and only having about 10$ left, he decides tobuy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket.


Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
It then dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.  Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck.

By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks and insurace plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail addres in order for him to forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.  "What, and how have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, E-Mail and E-Commerce?  Just imagine where you would have been by now if your had been conneected from the very start."

After a moment's silence, the tomatoe millionaire replied:  "Sure I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of the Story:

1.  The internet, e-mail and e-comerce do not need to rule your life.

2.  Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.

3.  If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

4.  Seeing that you got this story via e-mail or your computer, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

5.  If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

Good Example of Communication

A certain private school in Victoria was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors each and every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Which goes to show, there are teachers and there are educators.

Gynaecologist ...

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

(If you do not laugh out loud on this one, your "laughter" is broken!)

 A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

Something light for lunch?

In My Next Life

The Fire Truck

A fire was started on some grassland near a farm.  

The county fire department was called to put the fire out.  

The fire was more than the county fire department could handle.

Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.

Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck.

They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in

the middle of the flames.

The volunteers jumped off the truck and frantically

started spraying water in all directions.

Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, 

breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.

Watching all of this, the farmer was so impressed

with the volunteer fire departments work, and

was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that 

right there and then he presented the volunteers

with a check for 1000 dollars.

A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That oughta be obvious," he responded, 

wiping the ashes off his coat.  

"The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that darn fire truck!"

Jokes Every Man Should Know 

Stuff Every Man Should Know

777 GREAT CLEAN JOKES

Topless Car Wash

Jokes Every Man Should Know
Jokelopedia: The Biggest, Best, Silliest, Dumbest Joke Book Ever
Pranky Jokes
777 GREAT CLEAN JOKES

Visitor to South Africa These are SA 'joke' rules of the road on Find a Laugh

Since we are in the midst of the world cup... we should give tourists tips about traveling on our roads.... RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA 1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them. 2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended. 5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs. 6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake. 7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....' 8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged. 10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes. 11. It is traditional to blow your hooter at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car. 12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. 13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour. Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!