Laughter is the Best Medicine

Feeling down?
Visit a while and I guarantee to put a smile on your face.
A collection of all my favourite jokes and EMails.
Feel free to share them with your friends!

30 August 2010

Psychiatry and Proctology

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satify the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and hemorrhoids."  No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics."  Thumbs down again.



Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives."  Still not good enough.
How about "Minds and Behinds?" Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes."  Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons."



Almost at their wit's end the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Approved.
A Joke a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

23 August 2010

A Chinese Story

Once upon a time in China, lived two Chinamen.  One named I cum and one named No cum.


No cum mally pretty Chinese girl named No cum tu.
For velly obvious leason No cum and No cum tu not have any children.


One day, No cum went out of town on business and I cum came over and spent the night with No cum tu.
That night I cum came and No cum tu came too.  This make both velly happy.


However about 7 or 8 months later, No cum see he about to become father but he not know how come, so when baby come, he named it, How cum u cum.


Of course, I cum and No cum tu know How cum u cum came, but to this day No cum not know how come How cum u cum came?


Cum again?

16 August 2010

Golf Jokes / Caddy's View Point


What the Caddy Said (or wished he had said):

Golfer:  Well I have never played this badly before.
Caddy:  I didn't realize you had played before sir.

Golfer:  Caddy do you think is is a sin to play golf on a Sunday?
Caddy:  The way you play sir, it's a sin any day of the week.

Golfer:  I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.
Caddy:  Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.

Golfer:  I've played so badly all day, I think I'm going to drown myself in that lake.
Caddy:  I doubt you cold keep your head down that long sir.

Golfer:  That can't be my ball, caddy.  It looks far too old.
Caddy:  It's been a long time since we started sir.

Golfer:  Please stop checking your watch all the time.  It's distracting!
Caddy:  This isn't a watch sir, it's a compass.

Golfer:  Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron.
Caddy:  Eventually.

Golfer:  You've go to be the worst caddy in the world!
Caddy:  I doubt it.  That would be too much of a coincidence!

06 August 2010

Food for Thought

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner.
The manager there arranges for an aptitude test for the section floors and sweeping.

After the test the manager says, "You will be appointed for $30 per day.
Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where to report to for work on your first day."

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address.

To this the MS manager replies, "Well then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned the man leaves, not knowing where to turn and only having about 10$ left, he decides tobuy a 10kg box of tomatoes at the supermarket.


Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.
Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.
It then dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes.

Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.  Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards for a pick-up truck.

By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life assurance.
Calling an insurance adviser, he picks and insurace plan to fit his new circumstances.

At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail addres in order for him to forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned.  "What, and how have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, E-Mail and E-Commerce?  Just imagine where you would have been by now if your had been conneected from the very start."

After a moment's silence, the tomatoe millionaire replied:  "Sure I would have been a cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of the Story:

1.  The internet, e-mail and e-comerce do not need to rule your life.

2.  Get e-mail, if you want to be a cleaner at Microsoft.

3.  If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

4.  Seeing that you got this story via e-mail or your computer, you're probably closer to becoming a cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.

5.  If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.

02 August 2010

Good Example of Communication

A certain private school in Victoria was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors each and every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Which goes to show, there are teachers and there are educators.