The Naked Nuns

On a really hot day, four nuns were assigned to paint a room in their church..
After sweating for a few hours in those black robes, they decided
to take off all their clothes and paint naked. An hour later,
someone knocked on the door of the church.

"Who is it?" they called out.
"I'm the blind man," came the reply.
The nuns decided to let him in since he wouldn't be able to see them.
They opened the door and led him to the room they were painting.
They were surprised when he walked around the room with no difficulty.
"Okay, sisters," he said, "where do you want the blinds?"

 

 

15 ways for men to keep busy when their women drag them to the mall.

Hilarious!!!

 

 

*WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING*            *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on            her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found            shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally            unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to            browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter            from the local Target.            Dear Mrs. Samuel,            Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a            commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and            have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our            complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed            below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.            **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put            them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.            **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to            go off at 5-minute intervals.            **3. **July 7**:**He made a trail of tomato juice on the            floor leading to the women's restroom..            **4. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in            an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right            away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned            station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in            turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to            lose time and costing the company money.            5. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a            bag of M&Ms on layaway.            6. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a            carpeted area.            7. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and            told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would            bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to            which twenty children obliged.            8. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him            he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just            leave me alone?' EMTs were called.            **9. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and            used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.            **10. September 10:**While handling guns in the hunting            department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.            **11. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while            loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.            **12. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his            'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.            **13. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people            browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'            **14. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud            speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!            IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*            *            *And last, but not least:*            **15. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,            waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no            toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.*

 

Do You Have Problems with Alcohol

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the
hell Happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are
whispering When you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a
Retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over And over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that
ex-lovers Are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
Converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
Tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are
Laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting
your Ass kicked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel
Gode.

Pass this to all your friends if you feel they may be in danger.

Senior Citizen Hotel Dilemma

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:
My wife and I were travelling by car from Cape Town to Johannesburg . Being Seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. We only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the receptionist handed us a bill for R1400.00.

I exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. I told the clerk although it was a nice hotel; the rooms certainly weren't worth R1400.00 for four hours! He told me that R1400.00 was the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared, listened to me, and explained that the hotel had an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. 'But we didn't use them," I said.' 'Well, they are here, and you could have," he said.
 
He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel was famous. "We have the best entertainers from New  York , Hollywood , and all over the world perform here," he informed me. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I answered, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. I wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

 The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque.  "But sir, this cheque is only made out for R200.00." ''That's correct. I charged you R1200.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the Manager. I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."

 Don't mess with Senior Citizens!

Zimbabwean Eggs

Two Zimbabweans are on a bicycle about 15 miles outside of Manchester, UK.  One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help, and the Zimbabweans ask him for a ride.  He tells them there is no room in the trailer, as he is carrying 20,000 bowling walls.  The Zimbabweans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town.  He agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and the bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way.  

By this time he is rally late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding.  The lady officer askes the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies "Zimabawean eggs."

The blond lady cop obviously doesn't believe this and asks to take a look in the trailer.  She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it.

She gets onto her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.  The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers and she says "I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20 000 Zimbabwean eggs in it.  Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle!"

What is Generation Y?

I've always wondered this myself... now I know. - People born before 1946 were called The Silent Generation.. - The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959. - Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979. - Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009. Why do we call the last group Generation Y?  Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently above..   And I always thought it was because they say.... Y should I get a job? Y should I leave home and find my own place? Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours? Y should I clean my room? Y should I wash and iron my own clothes? Y should I buy any food?