Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are in a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Confucius Says.....

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:  Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determines
who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

Now share this with one or more people.
Nothing will happen but one or more people laughing.

OLD is when.....

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with  two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,  'I'm on this cruise to celebrate  my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,  'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender,  I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,  'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want  another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,  'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age,  you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs  and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your friends compliment you  on your new alligator shoes  and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  A sexy babe catches your fancy  and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Going braless  pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You don't care where your spouse goes,  just as long as you don't have to go along too. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN.....  'Getting a little action'  means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  'Getting lucky' means you find your car  in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  An 'all nighter' means not getting up   to use the bathroom. AND  'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are not sure these are jokes?

Beer and Fishing

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

A Sense of Security for South Africans

I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, a "I Love the AWB"sticker on my car, and my sound system is playing "De La Ray" at full volume. 

The local police, the Dept of Home Affairs, and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer!

 

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Angelo Ianucci , what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing Ave Maria , dance the Tarantella and when we get home we put almond cookies and Amaretto by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”..........Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

 

"Huh" The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert

to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
their leader. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them

in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Hebrew or Ladino, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the

rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He

responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one
God common to both our faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all

around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God
was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice

Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind
me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not
continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three

days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I

told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

The Indian Taxi Driver

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened  his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's  wrong with you Luv, haven't  you ever seen a naked woman  before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be  proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well,  if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what  are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking  and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to  myself, where is this lady keeping the money to  be paying me?!"  


 

The Moral of the Story is.....

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

Why It's Bad To Flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband..

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had

passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.. When I

got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad and 
apparently he had the time of his life.

Talking Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day  and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know to say one thing' 'What do they say?' the priest asked. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers!  Do you want to have some fun?' 'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment...... 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a  solution to your problem.   I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible... Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to  pray and worship, And your parrots are sure to stop saying...  That phrase...  In no time.' 'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots  to the priest's house.... As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots were inside  their cage holding rosary beads and praying... Impressed, She walked over and placed her  parrots in with them... After a few minutes, The female parrots cried  out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence... One male parrot looked over at the other  male parrot and says, 'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

ID001

The Nun and The Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Charlie and His Bride

Charlie 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.    
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Charlie should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. 
 
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door  opens and  there is Charlie, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Charlie takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.  
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,  and it's Charlie,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,  Jenny consents  for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Charlie kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. 
 
She is  set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Charlie is  back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for  more 'action'.  And, once more they enjoy each other. 
 
But as Charlie gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I  am thoroughly  impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.  You are truly a great lover, Charlie.' 
 
Charlie,  somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
 
The moral  of the story:  
Don't  be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.  
P.S.  Have I told this to you already?

Our Burdens

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,

"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens...  

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies

     
     

           
   

  POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF !
 
 
 
  A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with  God?"
 
   Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes  off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,  poof! the light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

  "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Blonde Payment Plan

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo?

It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!! 

What Does Your Son Do?

 Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, Reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of  the barrel.        

  

 
 He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.
 

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
 

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...


 He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
   
 


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...what about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
 
  
 The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

Why Men Wear Ear Rings

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'  

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping With Them

          *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Woolworths. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally          unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Woolworths.

          Dear Mrs. Jacobs,

          Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
          commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
          have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
          complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed
          below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

          **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
          them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

          **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
          go off at 5-minute intervals.

          **3. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in
          an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
          away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
          station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in
          turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
          lose time and costing the company money..

          4. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
          box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.

          5. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
          carpeted area.

          6. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and
          told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
          bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
          which twenty children obliged.

          7. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him
          he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
          leave me alone?' Paramedics were called..

          **8. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and
          used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

          **9. September 10:**While handling knifes in the kitchen
          department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

          **10. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while
          loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

          **11. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his
          'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

          **12. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people
          browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

          **13. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud
          speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
          IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*

          *
          *And last, but not least:*

          **14. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
          waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
          toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
         

 

Miss Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

Some Silly Funnies For the Day

Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife is a 'Mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest of the 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In picking lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
"I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife's Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : "Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: "MISSING YOU"..

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And
I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied,
"Take The poison".

Malema's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the 
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a 
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," 
said the man, "who's clock is that?" 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?" 

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told two lies in his entire life." The man asked, "Where's Julius Malema's clock?" 

"It's in the Main office, they are using it as a FAN !!

Four Worms and A Lesson To Be Learned!!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol...Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke...Dead. 




Third worm in chocolate syrup...Dead. 


Fourth worm in good clean soil...Alive . 
So the Minister asked the congregation, What did you learn from this demonstration?


Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,  'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!' 
That pretty much ended the service!