Where Are My Glasses

   Yesterday,  my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my  time.

  Talking  about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic  of conversation.

   

   She  was "only thinking of me," and suggested I go down to the senior  centre and hang out with the guys.

   

   I  did this, and when I got home last night  I decided to teach  her a lesson about staying out of my business. 

  I  told her that I had joined a parachute club.

   

   She  said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old, and you're  going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

  I  proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.

   

   She  said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a  membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

   

   "I'm  in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for  five jumps a week," I told her.  She fainted.

   

    

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun !

 

Paddy and the Flowers

Paddy  rings his new  girlfriend's door bell, with a big  bunch of flowers. She opens the  door, sees the  flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the   couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off  and says 'This is  for the flowers!' 

'Don't be  silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a  vase  somewhere!' 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto , Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce from BC: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, from Newfoundland , Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and get dinner."

My Vacation In Beijing

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious. She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed. Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English……….

Getting There: 
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lakeshore. Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel: 
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery. Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with himself.

The Restaurant: 
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room: 
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above all: 
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it."

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME
People born before 1946 are called - The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called -The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1989 are called -Generation X.

And people born between 1990 and 2010 are called -Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group -Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?


Just thought you might want to know "Y"

Elderly Couple In Church

An  elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service
at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service,  Pauline took a pen and paper out of her
purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should
do?"

Frank scribbled  back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."