A Sense of Security for South Africans

I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, a "I Love the AWB"sticker on my car, and my sound system is playing "De La Ray" at full volume. 

The local police, the Dept of Home Affairs, and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer!

 

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Angelo Ianucci , what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing Ave Maria , dance the Tarantella and when we get home we put almond cookies and Amaretto by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”..........Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

 

"Huh" The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert

to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
their leader. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them

in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Hebrew or Ladino, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the

rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He

responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one
God common to both our faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all

around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God
was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice

Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind
me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not
continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three

days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I

told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

The Indian Taxi Driver

A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.

The Indian driver shook his head, opened  his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's  wrong with you Luv, haven't  you ever seen a naked woman  before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be  proper, where I am coming from..."

"Well,  if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what  are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking  and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to  myself, where is this lady keeping the money to  be paying me?!"  


 

The Moral of the Story is.....

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.
''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?
"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

Why It's Bad To Flirt

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her

husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband,

protested, but she argued and said she was going to take

some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time

to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.. The wife, after sleeping

soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early,

decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was,

she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how

he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he

left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her

husband..

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in

her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had

passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at

midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and

was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're

not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance.. When I

got there, I met Pete , Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing

poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the

husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad and 
apparently he had the time of his life.