The Nun and The Soldier

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq ..'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Charlie and His Bride

Charlie 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.    
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Charlie should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. 
 
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door  opens and  there is Charlie, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Charlie takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.  
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,  and it's Charlie,  Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised,  Jenny consents  for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Charlie kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. 
 
She is  set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Charlie is  back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for  more 'action'.  And, once more they enjoy each other. 
 
But as Charlie gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I  am thoroughly  impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once.  You are truly a great lover, Charlie.' 
 
Charlie,  somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
 
The moral  of the story:  
Don't  be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.  
P.S.  Have I told this to you already?

Our Burdens

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,

"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens...  

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies

     
     

           
   

  POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF !
 
 
 
  A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with  God?"
 
   Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes  off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,  poof! the light goes off?" 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,

  "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

Blonde Payment Plan

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo?

It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!! 

What Does Your Son Do?

 Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, Reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of  the barrel.        

  

 
 He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    


The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.
 

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'
 

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...


 He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'
   
 


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...what about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'
 
  
 The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either.
His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'