Golf for the Aged

Arthur is 90 years old and has played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.

“That’s it,” he tells his wife, “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I can’t see where it goes.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea.  As they sit down together, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”

“That’s no good,” Authur sighs. “Your brother is 103 years old.  He can’t help.”

“He may be 103,” his wife says, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So the next day Arthur sets off for the golf course with his brother-in-law in tow.  He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway.  He turns to the brother-in-law.

“Did you see the ball?”

“Of course I did!” the brother-in-law replies. “I have perfect eyesight.”

“So where did it go?” Arthur asks..

“I don’t remember.”

Bumper Stickers on Cars

• Laugh alone and the whole world thinks you’re an idiot.
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• Earth is the asylum of the universe.
• Hooter broken, watch for finger.
• Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.

World Cup Tourists to South Africa - Rules for Driving in South Africa on Find a Laugh!

Since we are nearing the world cup... we should give tourists tips about travelling on our roads....

 RULES FOR DRIVING IN SOUTH AFRICA 

1. Never indicate - this will give away your next move. A real south African driver never uses them.
2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, this space will be filled by at least 2 taxis and a BMW, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will only result in you being rear-ended.
5. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving you a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
6. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to check if the people entering the highway are awake.
7. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a guideline. They are especially not applicable in South Africa during rush hour. That's why it's called 'rush hour....'
8. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a South African driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
9. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tyre. Never stop to help - you will be mugged.
10. Learn to swerve abruptly. South Africa is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to the government, which puts holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keeps them on their toes.
11. It is traditional to blow your hooter at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green. This prevents storks from building nests on top of the traffic light and birds from making deposits on your car.
12. Remember that the goal of every South African driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.
13. On average, at least three cars can still go through an intersection after the light has turned red. It's people not adhering to this basic principle that causes the big traffic jams during rush hour.

Now guys go out there today and make South Africa proud!

The Sharing of Marriage

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.. 

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. 

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them .. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. 

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything 

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered(Continue below - This is great) 
'THE TEETH.'

How to Handle a Stressful Situation

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

Pee on it and walk away!

Find a Laugh with An African Story

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He took his faithful pet dog along for company.

One day the dog started chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost.  Wondering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now!" (He was an Irish Setter).  Then he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard, I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard, "that was close.  that dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  Off he goes, but the dog sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. 

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to the coniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "what am I going to do now?"

Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet.  When they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where is that monkey.  I just never can trust him.  I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he is still not back!"

Find a Laugh with Grandparents

 I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I aplied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"  I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.  My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, and it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her  grandfather's word processor.  She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.  "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects, until, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says
I'm 4 to 6."

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
"Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.  "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple,"
replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.  "Sure," said the young boy confidently. It means carrying a child."

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.  "No," said another. "He's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she
lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good  things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

My grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.