Science Exam Answers

If you need a laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are in a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Confucius Says.....

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch butt should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong:  Man with four balls cannot walk.

War does not determine who is right, war determines
who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Person who deletes this has no humor!!!

Now share this with one or more people.
Nothing will happen but one or more people laughing.

OLD is when.....

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with  two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,  'I'm on this cruise to celebrate  my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday,  I'll buy you a drink.  In fact, this one is on me.' As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,  'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender,  I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender. As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,  'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you.  Bartender, I want  another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says,  'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?' The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age,  you've learned how to hold your liquor.  Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs  and make love,' and you answer,  'Pick one; I can't do both!' 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Your friends compliment you  on your new alligator shoes  and you're barefoot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  A sexy babe catches your fancy  and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  Going braless  pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You don't care where your spouse goes,  just as long as you don't have to go along too. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 'OLD' IS WHEN.....  'Getting a little action'  means you don't need to take any fibre today. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  'Getting lucky' means you find your car  in the parking lot. 'OLD' IS WHEN...  An 'all nighter' means not getting up   to use the bathroom. AND  'OLD' IS WHEN...  You are not sure these are jokes?

Beer and Fishing

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

 

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!

A Sense of Security for South Africans

I've cancelled my armed response, torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got the Vierkleur raised in my garden, a Blue Bulls flag draped in the window, a "I Love the AWB"sticker on my car, and my sound system is playing "De La Ray" at full volume. 

The local police, the Dept of Home Affairs, and the Hawks are all watching my house 24/7. I've never felt safer!

 

Jewish Christmas

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Angelo Ianucci , what do you do at Christmas?"

Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing Ave Maria , dance the Tarantella and when we get home we put almond cookies and Amaretto by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.

Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: “What A Friend We Have in Jesus”..........Then we all go to the Bahamas ."

 

"Huh" The Pope and the Rabbi

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert

to Catholicism or leave Italy . There was a huge outcry from the Jewish
community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with
their leader. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy .

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them

in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no
Hebrew or Ladino, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the

rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy .

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He

responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one
God common to both our faiths.

"Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all

around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God
was also right here with us.

"I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice

Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind
me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not
continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three

days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger.

"Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews but I

told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."