Laughter is the Best Medicine

Feeling down?
Visit a while and I guarantee to put a smile on your face.
A collection of all my favourite jokes and EMails.
Feel free to share them with your friends!

29 September 2011

Our Burdens

Husband comes home from Church, greets his wife, lifts her up & carries her around the house.

The wife's so surprised & asks smiling,

"Did the Pastor preach about being romantic"?

Out of breath the husband replies,

"No, he said we must carry our burdens...  

24 September 2011

Getting Old Is Not For Sissies


   
  
     
           
   
  POOF, THE  LIGHT GOES OFF !
 
 
 
  
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his  tests come back normal so the doctor says,  "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with  God?"
 
   
Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have  poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get  up in the middle of the night to go to the  bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes  off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light  goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done,  poof! the light goes off?"
 

"OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. white exclaims,
  "He's pissing in the fridge again!"

22 September 2011

Blonde Payment Plan

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the Contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellllloooooo

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid..

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellllooooooo?

It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot!! 


20 September 2011

What Does Your Son Do?

 Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, Reunited at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of  the barrel.
 
       

  


 
 He studied economics and business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
    



The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.

 

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

 

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...



 He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

   
 


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons...what about your son?'
The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

 
  
 The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'
The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him and he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion,
a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

17 September 2011

Why Men Wear Ear Rings

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.'

The man walks up to him and says, 'I didn't know you were into earrings.'

'Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, 'he replies sheepishly

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, 'So, how long have you been wearing one?'

'Ever since my wife found it in my car.'
 

Why Women Shouldn't Take Men Shopping With Them

          *After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Woolworths. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally          unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from our local Woolworths.

          Dear Mrs. Jacobs,

          Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
          commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and
          have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our
          complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed
          below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

          **1. **June 15**:**Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put
          them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

          **2. **July 2**:**Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to
          go off at 5-minute intervals.

          **3. **July 19**:**Walked up to an employee and told her in
          an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
          away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned
          station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in
          turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
          lose time and costing the company money..

          4. August**4:**Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
          box of SMARTIES on lay-buy.

          5. August 14**:**Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a
          carpeted area.

          6. August 15**:**Set up a tent in the camping department and
          told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
          bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to
          which twenty children obliged.

          7. August 23**:**When a clerk asked if they could help him
          he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just
          leave me alone?' Paramedics were called..

          **8. September 4:**Looked right into the security camera and
          used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

          **9. September 10:**While handling knifes in the kitchen
          department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

          **10. October 3:**Darted around the store suspiciously while
          loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

          **11. October 6:**In the auto department, he practiced his
          'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

          **12. October 18:**Hid in a clothing rack and when people
          browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

          **13. October 21:**When an announcement came over the loud
          speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO!
          IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'*

          *
          *And last, but not least:*

          **14. October 23:**Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
          waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no
          toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
         


 

04 September 2011

Miss Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

 

03 September 2011

Some Silly Funnies For the Day

Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife is a 'Mistress" for her husband.
"Miss" For One Hour & "Stress" For the Rest of the 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texted Back :
I'm In The Toilet,
What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove
Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In picking lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied.
"I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man Says Without Hesitation,
"I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm Going Crazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," Says The Doctor,
"Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife's Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : "Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: "MISSING YOU"..

A Man Goes To See The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked, "What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And
I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says,
"Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied,
"Take The poison".



02 September 2011

Malema's Clock

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the 
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" 

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a 
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," 
said the man, "who's clock is that?" 

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" 

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abraham only told two lies in his entire life." The man asked, "Where's Julius Malema's clock?" 

"It's in the Main office, they are using it as a FAN !!