Laughter is the Best Medicine

Feeling down?
Visit a while and I guarantee to put a smile on your face.
A collection of all my favourite jokes and EMails.
Feel free to share them with your friends!

21 November 2010

Doctor Dave

 

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients
and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much
he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt
and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal
reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head
would bring him back to reality.
Whispering.....
 
Dave..........

Dave .............


Dave........


Dave........

 
   
Dave……..
 
  

............you're a vet.

13 November 2010

Finance For Non-Financial Managers - Global Financial Systems

 A NAMIBIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You make biltong...

 AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
 * You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

 A SOUTH AFRICAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You go on strike because you want three cows.
 * They get stolen, so you blame the previous regime' and steal someone
else's cows and shoot their owner.

 A ZIMBABWEAN CORPORATION
 * A farmer has two cows.
 * You take over his farm, eat both cows and wait for the international
community to supply more.

 A JAPANESE CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You re-design them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
and produce twenty times the milk.
 * You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market
them World-Wide.

 A GERMAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month,
and milk themselves.

 A BRITISH CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * Both are mad.

 AN INDIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You pray to them for food.

 AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
 * You break for lunch.

 A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You count them and learn you have five cows.
 * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
 * You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
 * You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

 A SWISS CORPORATION
 * You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
 * You charge others for storing them.

 A CHINESE CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * You have 300 people milking them.
 * You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the
newsman who reported the numbers.

 AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
 * You have two cows.
 * The one on the left is kinda cute...

07 November 2010

Definition of Calories

Calories are the little suckers
that get into your wardrobe 
at night and sew your clothes
tighter. 
             
MY CLOSET IS INFESTED
WITH THE LITTLE SHITS!
 
  Does This Beer Gut Make Me Look Fat? Men's Tee Shirt XL-OliveGarfield Big Fat Hairy Joke BookPunchline To the Fat Joke [Explicit]

06 November 2010

A Childs View Of A Thunder Storm

A Child's View of Thunderstorms


A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school.  She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school.

As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile.

More lighting followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!
Kids' Silliest JokesThe Everything Kids' Joke Book: Side-Splitting, Rib-Tickling Fun (Everything Kids Series)

02 November 2010

Mental Age Assesment

The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!


1.    This is this cat.
2.    This is is cat.
3.    This is how cat.
4.    This is to cat.
5..   This is keep cat.
6.    This is an cat.
7.    This is old cat.
8.    This is fart cat.
9.    This is busy cat.
10.  This is for cat.
11.  This is forty cat.
12.  This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

I betcha you cannot resist passing this on to any other friends.


01 November 2010

The Worst First Date Award


This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! 
We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.  The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... And the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .  It was a day trip (no overnight).  They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.  They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!  Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for awhile.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.  In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.

Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking.  All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation.  As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal.  It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about' what is taking so long' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some assistance!  He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.  She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.

Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal!  Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down.

Or perhaps that should be 'pants down. '  And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.'

Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

If you laughed at this, pass it on.  If you didn't laugh, you need a better sense of humor.