Death Row

  There was a German, an Italian and SIPHO on death row.

      The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
      1. to be shot
      2. to be hung
      3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

      So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
      Boom, he was dead instantly.
      The Italian said, "Just hang me."
      Snap! he was dead.

      Then it was SIPHO'S' turn, and he said, "Give me some of that
      AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and SIPHO fell down laughing.
      The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
      Then SIPHO said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards
      did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he
      doubled over.

      Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" Then SIPHO
      replied, “Eish you guys are so stupid... I'm wearing a condom.!!”

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 'Yes'

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, 'No'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered,

'The search team just landed a helicopter'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME.'

 

Old Age!!

You ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely
 I can't look that old? Well.....you'll love this one!
 My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first
 appointment with a new dentist.  I noticed his dental diploma, which bore
 his full name.
 Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark haired boy with the same name
 had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago.
 Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
 Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
 This balding, gray haired man with the deeply lined face was far too old to
 have been my classmate.
 After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park
 secondary school.
 ”yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner! 'He beamed with pride.
 'When did you leave to go to college?' I asked
 He answered, “in 1965”.  Why do you ask?
 'You were in my class!' I exclaimed.
 He looked at me closely.
 Then the ugly,
 old,

 bald,

 wrinkled,

 fat arsed,

 grey haired,

 decrepit,

 bastard asked..
 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Just for the Ladies

        

  

    
   Breakfast

  1  grapefruit

  1  slice whole wheat toast

  1  cup skim milk

  



  Lunch

  1  small portion lean, steamed chicken


  1  cup spinach
  1  cup herbal tea
  1  Hershey's kiss
  

  Afternoon  Tea
  The  rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag
  1  tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate  chips
  

  Dinner
  4  glasses of wine (red or white)
  2  loaves garlic  bread
  1  family size supreme pizza
  3  Snickers Bars
  

  Late  Night Snack
  1  whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the  freezer)
  

  Remember:    Stressed  spelled backward is desserts.
  

  If  you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds  immediately.
  That's  why I had to pass this on; I didn't want to risk  it.
  

  

  

  

Sweet Tea

 A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.
When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes Back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!

Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"